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When the weather started to warm up this spring, husband Jack and I decided to have a little fun--just the two of us! So we did what we have been conditioned to consider fun throughout our lives together; we went camping! Or, more specifically, we hitched up the camper, headed to a remote campground in West Virginia, and waited for fun to happen. And waited, and waited, and waited. And then we gave up and went out for barbecue. The next day, we made a better plan and drove an hour to a state park for a hike. Of course, 2/3 of the way around the loop, rain began pouring . . . Buckets of rain later, and without a dry patch of clothing, we finished the last two miles and had to console ourselves with ice cream. Ice cream makes everything better, but so do walks in a beautiful (if drippy) forest. The following day, we woke up and wondered again what to do. No kids to feed pancakes to and we didn't need the carbs. It felt too weird to join the families in the campground pool, and there were no hikes within 45 minutes listed on our hiking app . . . so we drove an hour to Starbucks. And along the way, husband Jack asked a great question. "Who are we as an empty nest couple, and what do we like to do on vacation?" Hmmmm . . . As usual, Jack already had an idea of the problem when he asked the question, so he added, “It seems like what we are doing this weekend is trying to do the same things we did with the kids and expecting the fun to show up.” Yep, he was right. When our last child left home in 2019, we moved to Germany a few months later. That was a complete break with how we did life and vacation, and we seldom felt bored on a weekend away. But when we moved back to the States, apparently we had subconsciously resumed the vacation habits we established when the kids were home. Interesting! Obviously it was time to redefine what vacation meant for us as empty nesters! So we began making a list for future vacation planning: We like hiking and we don’t mind rain as long as the hike is scenic. Ice cream is a great treat after a 5-mile hike, but we like the expensive stuff. Since it’s just the two of us, we can afford it. Yay! We need to take up a sport we can do on vacation. Golf? Pickleball? Bicycling? We like amenities! Primitive is out, creature comforts are in! No need to hide out in the woods by ourselves! We enjoy cooking over the fire, but we also like to go out and sample the local offerings, so we should make sure some good eats are close by. Good coffee is a non-negotiable, so we need to vacation near local coffee shops or bring our own brewing equipment. Coffee and campfire is a perfect pairing! As far as vacations go, the summer went better than the spring and we are looking forward to another camping vacation over Labor Day. We have made some improvements in how we plan our vacations, but I think the more deeper question we were exploring all along was this: Who are we without kids? I follow several empty nest Facebook groups, and this is a theme I hear over and over. Sadly, many people conclude that there really is no “we” left in that question. Whether these relationships can be rebuilt after kids is doubtful in the minds of many who post. So while how we vacation needs to be considered, perhaps the bigger question of who we are as a couple should be the first one that gets addressed as kids start to leave the nest. Or better yet, long before they do. Who we are spiritually as a couple is a good place to start, because the answer to that impacts all other questions, even empty nest vacation plans. Husband Jack and I value Sabbath rest practices in our lives, so our vacations need to include opportunities to rest and renew and discuss where we think God is at work in our marriage and our hearts. Vacations where we connect spiritually with God and each other bring us much closer to answering this fundamental question of who we are as a an empty nest couple. No matter how many spectacular vacation destinations we explore, they really have no lasting significance unless we have each other to enjoy life with when we get back home. Contemplation: Here are some questions to ponder or discuss with your spouse; feel free to put some thoughts in the comments below if you want to start a conversation! What does vacation look like without the kids? Consider some changes for the better along with some things you might miss. What possibilities does the empty nest provide in terms of vacation opportunities that might be new and exciting? How can you use vacations to build your empty nest relationship with your spouse? How can you build rest and renewal into your vacation plans? Is that more or less important now than it was when the kids were home? Why is that true for you? How can vacation strengthen you spiritually? What kinds of activities foster closeness with God for you? For your spouse? Is there a way to build those into your vacation plans? What might that look like?

A few years ago, I was washing my face over the bathroom sink, and I knocked a favorite earring loose. It fell into the stream of running water and swirled around the bowl while I tried to catch it. No luck. It eluded my frantic fingers and disappeared down the drain. I quickly shut off the water, hoping the earring would be caught in the bottom of the U-shaped pipe under the sink. I didn't know how to disassemble the pipe, so I blockaded the sink with tape and sticky notes so no one would wash my earring away. Several days later, my husband had time to play plumber, and there in the sludge at the bottom of the U, he found my earring. I washed it and returned it to my jewelry box. That was a happy ending for my pair of earrings and I still enjoy wearing them today. But when I myself am spiraling over some unhappy or upsetting circumstance, I would rather not go all the way down the drain! It's just no fun sitting in all that sludge. What's more, worry accelerates aging. Recent research indicates that rumination contributes to brain aging, which speeds up physical aging. I hope that's not one more thing for us to worry about . . . But it's hard not to worry as an empty nest momma! When the kids left home, my life became less busy but my mind became more so. And not always in positive ways. In addition, the fluctuating estrogen and progesterone levels that we experience in midlife increase feelings of anxiety and stress. Add to that all the other stressors of midlife, and we have a recipe for rumination, my friends! That's why the third mindset habit I'm working on in 2024 is this: Thinking life-giving, faith-filled thoughts rather than letting my mind enter a spiral of negativity It's a great goal, but how to do it? Here's how I'm learning to catch my thoughts before they spiral all the way down to the bottom. I'm a work in progress, but when I remember to use these techniques, they are powerful! Pray first. I talked about this a few weeks ago in a post you can read here, where I shared how I'm learning to pray before responding to any crisis that comes my way. But I've learned I can turn to prayer when the crisis is purely internal, too. Talking to God calms my spirit and helps me refocus on what I know to be true, which is the second tool in my arsenal when I'm fighting worry. Name what is true. Worry is focused on the future, but I can break worry's hold on me when I name what I know to be true in the moment. If I am really panicking, I can name three things I can see, three things I can touch, and three things I can smell in my immediate environment, and this quickly slows my swirling brain. Then, I remind myself of what is true about God: He is in control, He is faithful, He loves me, He will work all things for my good, He will be with me through all the challenges I face. I can stand firm on God's character despite the deep waters which swirl around me. Once I am focused on God, I take one final step . . . Bring the fear to God's Word. I learned this from a dear friend, and it has been life changing. I have a journal in which I write my fears. I spell them out exactly as I feel them. I start with "I am afraid that . . ." and then I write out the worst case scenario that's revolving in my brain. Once I have it written out, I pray for God to open my eyes to specific scriptures that speak to the fear, and I write them out in the journal, word for word. Sometimes He brings verses to mind, and I look them up in my Bible. Other times, I google a specific topic that speaks to my fear, such as "verses on God's love," "verses on courage," or "verses about God being in control." I have even flipped through the pages of my Bible, looking for passages I have highlighted in the past. I find the verses that speak to my heart, and I copy them out in my journal, word for word, until my mind is convinced that God is in control of my situation. This has been a powerful weapon in my arsenal against negative spiraling thoughts, and I have created a library of verses that speak to my deepest fears. Negative thoughts are part of the human condition, but there's no reason to let our minds go down the drain. If we let our minds hit bottom it's hard to shake off the negativity and get back to faith-filled thinking. Instead of spiraling, join me in learning to take each fearful thought to our loving God. He is faithful to transform each one into trust in His good plan.

I want to talk about hard stuff today. Fair warning, because if you are in a season where life is going well, this read might not feel encouraging. If, however, you are weathering some of life's storms and struggling to accept what those storms are bringing your way right now, I hope this will encourage you. Midlife and the empty nest is not a season for the faint of heart. Research shows what we already know--life can get tough. As moms, we are adjusting to our new role with our adult children. As children, we are watching our parents age and become less independent. As couples, we are figuring out what midlife intimacy in all its forms will look like. Physically, we are experiencing hormonal changes (yes, even men go through this) and we are adjusting to the effects those changes have on how we feel in and about our bodies. Change can spark fear, and there is plenty of change going on in midlife. Maybe you are already in a situation that causes fear of the future. As someone who lives with a cancer diagnosis, I can become fearful and upset at just the thought of an upcoming blood test or imaging study, not to mention fear of what the cancer may do in the future. If we allow fear to invade our thoughts at midlife, there are plenty of unknowns for it to feed on. But living in fear is not living! And I want to live the abundant life that Jesus talks about in John 10:10. Choosing faith over fear is one of the five mindset habits I'm working on in 2024 (you can see the entire list here), and it is one of the most challenging for me to cultivate. I think that's because choosing a mindset of faith in God's plan and provision for my life involves surrendering many of my own desires and dreams in order to fully embrace what God has called me to do and be in this season. I have my own ideas of what I want life to look like, but my ideas don't always match up to the circumstances that God brings my way. I can choose to fight for my own desires out of fear of missing out. Or, I can launch myself fully into God's plan, trusting that His ways are even better than anything I could dream up on my own. Living in faith means I choose to trust. For a few days now, I've been twisting my mind to wring out the essence of why I should trust God's plan for my future. I could make a theological argument about God's sovereignty. I could make a logical argument about how it's better to walk through life with God than without, given that struggles are inevitable. I could say that my friends who live lives of faith have proven that following God is a better choice. I could even say that the Bible tells me so, and all of these are true. But in the end, it comes down to having experienced God's sustaining power in every trial I have encountered, whether I was expecting it or not, whether I asked for it or not, and whether I was even aware that it was God carrying me through. It's because of who He is that I can trust, that I can release my fears to Him, that I can lay down my burdens and let Him carry them for me. God Himself is the reason that I can live in faith and not fear. We can choose faith over fear simply because of who God is. The same God who said to Joshua, "Be strong and courageous. Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go," says to us, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age" (Joshua 1:9 and Matthew 28:20). I need that reassurance now, in this midlife season, more than I have in any other season of my life. Be strong and courageous, friends! Cultivate a mindset of faith with me this year, and together we will experience the presence of Christ with us, our friend and companion on this journey through the midlife years.

I'm an empty nest mom now, but once upon a time I had four kids at home, usually all day--former homeschooler here--every day! All four were active and creative, and since those were qualities we wanted to encourage, I frequently had to respond to cries of "Mom, help!" Like you, I bandaged a lot of wounds, pulled out slivers, removed ticks, assessed various injuries, transported patients to the emergency room, and cleaned up major spills. Being first on the scene, ready and able to solve problems for the kids was one of my favorite parts of being a mom. Who doesn't want to be a kid's hero? Image by lookstudio on Freepik However, I'm finding that as an empty nester and mom of adult kids, I need to temper my ingrained "first responder" impulses. In fact, it's just not possible to be supermom at this point. My closest child is 800 miles away! And that's not the only problem. When I give in to my first responder impulses, I end up mothering my husband. Not a great way to build a strong empty nest marriage! That's why one of my goals for 2024 is to transform from a first responder to a prayer responder. I want my default reaction to crisis to be prayer: turning to God for wisdom, direction and His divine provision. This is one of the toughest parts of the empty nest transition as it involves both relinquishing our role as omnipresent supermom and choosing to place our family members in God's hands, trusting that He can do at least as good a job as we can. What I find interesting about the whole family dynamic surrounding our role change during the empty nest is that our kids need us to make this transition away from supermom status as much as we need to for ourselves. If we try to stay as involved as ever, we end up smothering rather than mothering, and their opportunities for growth are stunted. Even worse, it can create resentment and withdrawal, making future connection even more challenging. Here's what I'm doing to help myself take off the supermom cape and become a habitual prayer responder: I'm following the example of the Apostle Paul. Paul says to the believers in Philippi, "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy . . . " (Philippians 1:3-4, NIV). So, when I think of someone, I say a quick prayer for them, and I pray with joy rather than fear. I might even be praying for you as you read this, friend! This practice hasn't reached habit level, but I'm sure consistency will eventually cement it as my innate reaction--I will have become a prayer responder! How about you, my friend? How might taking off your supermom cape and putting on the habit of praying first change your relationships with your family and even your friends? It's not easy developing a new habit after many years of mothering when we absolutely had to be first responders for our children. But it is a transition that gives both us and our children freedom to grow in dependence upon God and faith in His good plan. When we become habitual prayer responders, we have a developed a new and better superpower with absolutely no limit to how much we can use it!

Can you believe it's almost February? The first month of 2024 sped by! Our family calendar included a significant event which made it possible for most of us to gather for several days of celebration. What a gift! Along with the celebration and all the preparation that went into it, I had to press pause on some of my goals for 2024. Did you set some goals at the beginning of the year? If so, I hope you have kept on while I've fallen behind! But there is one goal that I have been consistently working on even through all the celebration and accompanying happy chaos: keeping tabs on my perspective. I want to develop a positive perspective on life that sees possibilities for success and God's goodness--rather than impending tragedy--when life becomes challenging. We need this mindset in midlife more than ever. Most of us are facing more stressors than we ever have--we are the sandwich generation after all! We've lived through the stress of raising children, and now we are adjusting to significant changes to our roles as moms. We are learning that we need to adjust our relationships with our parents in order to help them manage their senior years successfully. We are dealing with hormonal fluctuations and the onset of age-related physical changes taking place in our own bodies, and we are still trying to keep our marriages strong, healthy and fulfilling. Studies indicate that women in midlife experience more stress than women in younger or older categories. This stress adds up and can start to affect our physical health as well as our spiritual and emotional health. According to researchers, it is imperative to develop coping skills and strategies for dealing with stress during the midlife years as this can prevent the onset of depression as well as physical illness. Here is how I'm working on building a mindset that is stress resilient: If you read my post on goals for 2023, you know that I believe developing habits is a better way to accomplish goals than making resolutions. (This report from the UK says that 64% of us abandon our resolutions by February!) Small changes that become daily habits lead to more successful longterm change. But when choosing which habits to work on, we also need to think about whether we are trying to create negative or positive habits. Last year, one of my goals was to share an average of one meal or cup of coffee each week with a friend. That was successful! My other goal--never laying in bed looking at my phone or reading a book in the morning--was less successful. I still have a lot of work to do on that habit I find it interesting that my "do more of this" habit was easier to develop than my "do less of this" habit. And apparently, I'm not the only one who experiences that. Forbes magazine published an interesting article that says we are more likely to stick to goals that involve doing something rather than goals that involve giving up something. I suspect we prefer goals that focus on "more of this" because they add richness to our lives. "Less of this" goals take away something we probably really enjoy. I have to admit that I love a lazy morning spent in bed! This year, the mindset habits I want to build into my life follow those same lines of positivity: I want to practice mindset habits that enable me to approach life's hardships with a perspective shaped by faith in our all-powerful and all-loving God. I want to see obstacles and hardships as challenges to overcome, as ways to grow spiritually stronger, and as the sovereign work of God in my life. Here are the mindset habits I'm working on in 2024: Praying first, problem-solving later Choosing faith in God's good plan over fear Thinking life-giving, faith-filled thoughts rather than letting my mind enter a spiral of negativity Caring for my bodily needs so I can weather stress better physically Cultivating relationships with people who will support and encourage these positive mindset habits My prayer is that these habits of mind will help me develop a Godly perspective on life that will carry me through this crazy midlife season and into my elder years with grace and dignity. I am more convinced than ever that midlife is not a time to stop growing in maturity, wisdom, and faith. God wants more for us--and more of us--in this season! Over the next few weeks, I'll be writing about how I'm working on these habits on a practical, daily basis. Check back in next week! And please reach out and let me know how you are working on handling life's challenges. You can email me at cindy@backtoyouandme.com or put your thoughts in the comments section below. I would love to hear from you!

It’s a new year—welcome, 2023! In America, our default approach to a new year is to set resolutions. Recently, it has become popular to narrow those resolutions down to a single word for the year, a word representing a principle or goal, a word that can help us identify the best choice in any given situation. (If you are looking for a word for 2023, here is a list of more than 100 words for you to choose from.) Whether you choose the resolution route or the word method, my guess is that you have struggled (like me) to make meaningful changes last past January. The changing of the old year to the new year is an excellent time to take stock of our lives and identify areas that need change or development. Besides, it’s a great use of that liminal week between Christmas and New Year’s Day! But as for those resolutions . . . only 9% of us end up keeping them for the whole year. Which should lead us to this question: is there a better method than making resolutions--even if they are only one word--to accomplish the growth we need to thrive in 2023? I believe the answer is to think small. Dream big, but make small adjustments, because small is sustainable. One helpful question suggested by Jordan Peterson in his book 12 Rules for Life (2018) is “What could I do, that I would do, to make life a little better?” The answer to that question is a small change that can be made into a habit. And that habit has the potential to produce life-sustaining, life-giving change over the course of the next year. My 2023 answers to that question include reading my Bible before reading my phone in the morning and a commitment to share a meal with friends once a week. I expect these two easy commitments will improve my mood, sense of purpose and meaning, and enjoyment of life. This year, consider asking yourself: What is one modest, reasonable, and sustainable change I could make that can become a habit which breathes joy and meaning into my life and helps me live out my faith in Christ? If we answer that question well and take the small steps toward creating that new habit, we might find ourselves in that rare group of resolution keepers when the next new year rolls around.

Last week husband Jack and I had a "discussion" about driving. . . mostly because I said "Whoa!" too much while we drove around Washington DC in the dark one evening. My position on the topic was that depth perception for midlife women is not as accurate as men's, therefore I was perceiving Jack's driving as more reckless than it was. His position was that in all our married life he had never hit anything with a motorized vehicle so I should be able to trust his driving . . . or maybe just close my eyes! Turns out, depth perception is typically more accurate in men at all ages, so there's no real reason for me to perceive Jack's driving differently at my current age. Perception is a funny thing, though. The way I see things, there is an impending crash just ahead. In reality, our front bumper is a good, safe distance from the car in front of us. I wonder if my spiritual vision is any better. In busy seasons like the holiday season can be for me, everything can feel like a collision of demands on my time: shopping and baking to do, house to decorate, cards to address, parties to attend, presents to wrap and mail. Some mornings when checking my list and finding it extra long, I skip my morning Bible reading to devote more time to my to do's. The extra time this gives me for my tasks is negligible, but the impact on the depth of my connection to God is noticeable, especially because I want to make the Christmas season spiritually meaningful. When my spiritual perspective is poor, my long list of obligations looks like an unavoidable car wreck. But when my spiritual perspective is focused on trusting the God of Christmas to guide me, I can find better ways to handle the holiday stress. I need that daily reminder of God's gift of love through Christ to keep my Christmas perspective true. This week, husband Jack and I are taking a few days away from the hustle and bustle to hide away in a little cabin near Shenandoah. We plan to talk and pray about where God is leading us in the next year and how we can faithfully keep our eyes on Him no matter how crazy life gets around us. We have plenty of coffee, a cute little Christmas tree, and lots of quiet surrounding us. We are anticipating hearing from God and getting our spiritual perspectives realigned while we celebrate the season together. And I only shouted "whoa" once on the way here! Merry Christmas, dear empty nest readers! I'm praying that God will richly bless you this Advent season with a sense of His presence. May your home and your holiday be full with the joy of Christ! I'll be stepping away from this blog for the next two weeks to focus on family and faith, but I will return in January to talk about some healthy midlife habits. If you want to read ahead, check out this post from last year to see my perspective on resolutions. Blessings, Cindy

Giving gifts that strengthen your family ties Is your Christmas shopping done? Mine sure isn't, and the Christmas countdown calendar is warning me that I only have 25 days and 10 hours to go! Online shopping makes it easy to wait until the last minute--and I often do. But when husband Jack and I start early and choose gifts with intentionality, our adult children seem to appreciate our efforts much more. I think this is because giving gifts is less about getting new stuff and more about connecting with each other. So, while compiling my Christmas shopping list this year, I've been thinking about gifts that connect my kids to their own family story and encourage them to craft stories for their own families as well. Here are some of the ideas I've been considering: Photo Books Over the last two years, I have digitally scanned and saved all the pages of the photo albums I have made since 1990. Last year, each of our kids received a curated album of photos from birth to about age 5. Four kids and four unique albums pieced together from the family albums that I have compiled over the last 30 years. The kids loved this gift! If you have digital photos or have access to a high quality scanner, you can create photo books online and have them printed and shipped directly to your kids. They will love the walk down memory lane. Bonus: If you were terrible at keeping baby books, like I was, this gift makes up for it! I created the kids' books on Shutterfly.com, but there are many photo album services to choose from. Family Recipes Most of our kids have memories of favorite meals or treats that we made for them when they were kids. Why not compile those into a small book? You can add photos of the family, photos of the finished recipes, or notes about your memories of cooking or enjoying meals with the kids. You might want to package the finished product into a gift basket with cooking tools, "secret" or hard-to-find ingredients, and a gift card to a grocery store. Don't forget to ask grandparents for input--they may have some special recipes from their childhood you could add to include them in the project. Shutterfly has a cookbook template to make designing your book easier, but you could also create a cookbook on your own computer, print it yourself, and put it in a sturdy binder for a more budget-friendly option. Holiday Baking Most of my kids are too busy to make the Christmas cookies of their childhood, especially the recipes passed down from my great, great grandmother--those take extra time and special equipment. During the pandemic shutdown of 2021 when we couldn't be with our kids for Christmas (we were stationed in Germany at the time), I purchased a vacuum sealing system and made everyone's favorite traditional cookies. I sealed them up in small batches and sent them via Priority Mail (a 12-day journey from Europe), and the kids claimed they stayed fresh for over a month! I felt like I was part of their Christmas celebration even if we couldn't be with them, and they felt the warmth of a family tradition in a difficult situation. If you can't celebrate with your kids in person this year, the gift of baking can keep you all close. Online Ancestry Services This is one my kids gifted to me! I am an adoptee and have almost no knowledge of my birth family, but the kids wanted to find out what my nationality was. So, one year, they bought me a membership and DNA test kit from Ancestry.com. We have enjoyed exploring some of the areas of the world where my ancestors apparently hailed from! This would be a great gift for an adult child who is interested in the family's heritage, or even for a grandparent who doesn't have much information on their own ancestors. The knowledge gained can be shared with everyone, leading to some very interesting conversations. Christmas Ornaments Add an ornament to your kids' collections that represents an important moment in their lives from that year! Last December, I found the cutest stork and baby ornaments, and I bought two--one for each daughter-in-law--just in case . . . sure enough, we have two new grands this year and those ornaments will commemorate our two new blessings! If you are artsy or craftsy, you can make them yourself. My daughter and I will be making some painted wood-slice ornaments to represent favorite books for next Christmas, an idea we found on Instagram. And overver Thanksgiving, my daughter led a family zoom class where we painted ornaments for this Christmas. Husband Jack wrote a note on the back of his ornament and gave it to our newest granddaughter. Simple, homemade, thoughtful ornaments are great reminders of our love for each other! Family Movie Night Remember all the Christmas favorites your family watched together during the Christmas season when the kids were young? Recreate that for your kids with a streaming service gift card, a list of titles, and a care package full of movie treats they enjoyed as children. If you are tech-savvy enough, you could even host a watch party for some of the titles and enjoy the movies separately together! God's Word The most important thing we can pass on to our children and grandchildren is the knowledge and love of God. Does your family have a theme Bible verse? Create or commission a work of art featuring that verse for each of your children. Or, pray and ask God to give you a verse for each child and make that into hangable art--Etsy has artisans who will customize word art for you if you don't think you are crafty enough. I'm currently working on a project I call a "Mommentary," which will eventually be a gift for my daughter. I bought a journaling Bible and I'm reading through it and making notes just for her--explanations of difficult passages and encouragement for difficult passages of life. You could also have an old family Bible rebound and pass it on to one of your children. (My mom recently had my teenage Bible rebound for me by these incredible leatherworkers.). When we gift God's Word to our children, we are creating a legacy that lasts for eternity. Making the list So, what's on your shopping list this Christmas? I'm making my list more meaningful than the latest gadget or must-have fashion. Let's gift legacy, faith, and family! And above all, let's follow the example of the greatest gift of all, Jesus. Like Him, we can give ourselves, wrapped in love, to our families this year. If you need a little encouragement this week, click on the verse image above and download it to your phone. You can use it as wallpaper and be reminded of all the good gifts God has already blessed you with during this holiday season.

When I think of "Thanksgiving dinner," my mind plays a movie of family crowded around a table laden with our favorite foods. The movie is accompanied by a sound track of laughter and "please pass the potatoes." After four years of unusually quiet Thanksgiving holidays, my husband and I are finally anticipating a similar scene this year. But our first four empty nest Thanksgivings were quite different from my traditional imaginings! Empty nest holidays are a reality of the midlife stage! How do we navigate them with grace and honesty, yet still celebrate? Here are some of the techniques husband Jack and I used over the last four years to help us stay connected with absent family and still celebrate the holidays in a memorable way. Schedule video calls. We found that video calls work best when we schedule them around everybody's holiday plans, so we schedule in advance and save time slots specifically for family connection. One year, I created a family history quiz on Kahoot.com and sent prizes to the winners--cheap fridge magnets from Amazon. Over the last four years, we learned to schedule calls on the day before or after the holiday, keep them short, keep the subject matter positive. But if one of the kids wants to talk longer, we are happy to stay on the line! Share photos. If you are far away from family this year, take advantage of your smart phone's technology and send photos or short videos to your loved ones! They will love to see what you are doing, and it may reassure them that you are fine even though you aren't together this year. Personalized pictures and video sent directly to family are more meaningful than just posting to Facebook for everyone to see. Send photos of favorite foods or activities to your adult kids and your parents to let them know that you are thinking of them and looking forward to future holidays together! Gather friends. I bet you aren't the only couple celebrating alone. Holidays are a great excuse to pool resources with other people and weigh down the dining room table with all sorts of deliciousness. Ask each person to share what they are thankful for, and be sure to ask them if there is a story behind the dish they bring. Last year, we celebrated Christmas with fellow empty nesters and spent the afternoon laughing while we ate almost an entire turkey together! (Husband Jack smoked it over charcoal and wood chips.) A day that might have been lonely was actually quite lovely. Feed your community. During one COVID-19 holiday, Jack came up with a brilliant idea. "Let's feed all the people in the barracks!" he said. I thought he was crazy, but he gathered a team of military colleagues and came up with a plan. It involved me baking 5 turkeys! But since we were in a partial lockdown, there wasn't a good excuse for not baking said turkeys . . . so we did! The local military community pitched in, and we fed soldiers until they couldn't eat another crumb. Then we sent them back to their barracks with leftovers packed in ziplock bags. One of the best holidays of our lives! Are there people in your community who need your cooking expertise this Thanksgiving? Plan an adventure! Who says empty nesters have to stay home and mourn? We didn't do that before we had kids, so why start now? A holiday usually means several days with no work obligations, so treat it like a vacation, and plan an adventure that fits in your budget. A small cabin in the woods and a stack of books might be the perfect way to spend a few days! While stationed in Germany, we spent one Thanksgiving in Italy. We drove through Switzerland on Thanksgiving Day and had our Thanksgiving "feast" at McDonalds! We created new and different memories and set ourselves free from feelings of loneliness. And we experienced no guilt for eating pasta instead of turkey! Choose gratitude. We often assign activities or rituals to holidays as means of celebration: think pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving or sending cards at Christmas. These traditions are meaningful and wonderful! But the holiday itself has deeper meaning beyond the practices that surround it, and we can tap into that meaning whatever the empty nest brings our way. I'm reminded of a powerful passage written by the Old Testament prophet Habakkuk: Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NIV) Habakkuk was determined to rejoice in God's presence and preservation in spite of his outward circumstances. There is no better expression of thankfulness than to worship without respect to our situation. When we choose gratitude on a quiet, empty nest holiday, we are truly celebrating and trusting in the goodness of God. Happy Thanksgiving, empty nest friends! I'm praying for your hearts to be encouraged and uplifted no matter your circumstances. God is still good, so let's celebrate joyfully this year and make a memorable midlife Thanksgiving! I'll be taking next week off to celebrate Thanksgiving with family, but when I return in December I will be writing about Christmas gifts that build a legacy for our adult children (and grandkids, too!). See you November 29!

It's almost Thanksgiving! Are you starting to prepare for this annual day of gratefulness? I am! It's one of our family's favorite holidays, replete with traditions that go back to my great grandparents' generation and maybe further: the family recipe for stuffing, baked-from-scratch pies, and homemade cranberry sauce. We love the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Tradition is important to me, so I make those classic dishes in some form year after year. But as I'm busy baking, I sometimes wonder if my kids will carry on the same traditions when I am gone. How do I successfully complete that generational handoff? Or, as we talked about last week, how do I practice generativity when it comes to traditions? Generativity by definition means that we can't demand compliance--we can only influence--so we need to make sure our traditions are meaningful in their own right so that the next generation will be naturally drawn to them. Of course, we should probably start by making sure we define what a tradition is first! The word itself comes from a Latin noun that means "handing over"; it implies that tradition isn't something discovered for oneself but is rather something handed down from generation to generation with the expectation of continued observance. Here's another aspect of tradition that is interesting to contemplate: The function of a tradition is to link the past and the future in order to bring hope to the present. Traditions should first cause us to remember good things--we might remember our childhood, our family identity, a time when God showed Himself faithful to us, or a special person God placed in our lives. Then, we can apply that good memory across time to the future, exercising our faith that the goodness God provided in the past will continue. That viewpoint brings real hope to the here and now. What a beautiful gift! Here's an example of how that definition of tradition works: Every Thanksgiving, I make my great-grandmother's filbert (her word for hazelnuts) dressing recipe to accompany our roasted turkey. I still remember enjoying it at grandma's table as a very small child! When I make it, I am reminded of all the times my family gathered for a Thanksgiving meal, and this gives me hope that my children and I will enjoy many more meals together celebrating God's goodness. Even if they aren't with us in person this year, my heart can smile in the present. Filbert dressing is more than a tasty dish for my family. It is a tradition that scatters past blessings into the now and the not yet. The filbert dressing tradition sticks with me for so many more reasons than its wonderful flavor! It provides more recollection than it does repast. We don't just hand down activities or combinations of ingredients. We hand down memories, emotions, the warmth of family and friends. We hand down stories about who we are together. So this year, I'm challenging myself to take a closer look at the traditions I want to pass on to the next generation and to consider the stories behind them. How did each tradition speak into my children's childhood experiences of celebration? Into mine? And are there some stories with more richness than others? If so, those are the stories I need to tell to my kids and grandkids. God has already shown me that intentional, gentle influence will bear fruit in the next generation: A few days before Thanksgiving last year I received this text: "Hey Mom, can I have the recipe for Grandma's filbert stuffing?"

“Who am I now that the kids have left home?” I hear this question from nearly every new empty nest mom. After years of being the most important woman in your children’s lives, the center of their universe, you are suddenly retired from active mothering and left wondering what your purpose is. Or, as Erma Bombeck so cleverly described it, When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they’re not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They’re upset because they’ve gone from supervisor of a child’s life to a spectator. It’s like being the vice president of the United States. Can you relate? What if I told you there’s a new mission for you, and, if you should choose to accept it, you have a three times greater likelihood of experiencing joy rather than despair 20 or 30 years from now? It's true. In midlife, we can embark on a lifestyle that allows us to stockpile joy for our senior years. The mission is simple: Practice generativity. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, an almost 80-year-old longitudinal study on how people can construct lives of meaning and happiness, found that people who develop a practice of generativity early on experience a greater sense of purpose and meaning in midlife and dramatically increase their level of joy in old age. But what is generativity? George Vaillant, longtime director of the Harvard study on adult development defined it this way: “. . . to be in relationships where one ‘cares’ for those younger than oneself and, simultaneously, respects the autonomy of others." Generativity is investing in a younger generation without demanding investment back from them or even expecting them to agree with or follow your advice. Author Michael Gurian uses the word eldering to describe investment in the younger generation: "'To elder' is now a verb for us, an accumulation of character, actions of being, and a spiritual quest that distinguishes us from younger people, especially if we actively connect with those younger people." From a practical standpoint, I have learned that a key practice of generativity is giving up the control that Vaillant talks about in his definition. It took me a while to figure this out, but I found that my ability to influence my adult kids increased when I didn’t demand or dictate, but rather listened, asked open-ended questions, and offered opinions only when asked. But I don’t limit my practice of generativity to my own kids and grandkids—they live too far away and I know I need at least a weekly opportunity to invest in the younger generation in order to thrive. I look for opportunities to practice it in my community. In my case, that is the military community, where there is no shortage of younger people who appreciate the opportunity to build a relationship with an older adult. Many of them are far from home and family, and I am often the same age as their parents, so I can fill a small piece of that void in their lives. In return, I feel needed and appreciated—win-win! How about you? Can you identify some younger people in your life that you could invest in? Pray about it and make a list, then check back next week for some practical ideas on how to practice generativity and stockpile joy for the future! Want to dive deep on this topic? Check out the book Aging Well by George Vaillant for a wealth of information on growing old but living well, and read Michael Gurian's The Wonder of Aging for a positive look at the possibilities for personal growth in your fifties and beyond.

Some of you might have noticed I didn't write a new blog post this last week. For the last two weeks, husband Jack and I attended conferences related to his role as an Army chaplain. Two weeks of spiritual and professional refreshment with so many wonderful people! Such a gift. But also a very busy two weeks, so I'll get back to posting next week. But today I thought I would share some personal observations about my experiences at the conferences. As I navigate midlife, I'm more convinced than ever that I need a tribe of people around me to really thrive. While I am on the introverted side of the personality scale, I can't manage life well without knowing there are people I can call on who will gladly go out to coffee or take a walk and listen to what I'm thinking about. And in turn, I need to know that I have friends who need me to do the same for them. Although we move quite often--army spouse life!--I am intentional about building those new relationships quickly when we land in a new location. I'm so blessed that God has consistently provided wonderful new friends wherever we go, and quite often I'm able to reunite with old friends as well. A while back, a friend told me that she tries to create friendships in three categories: friends who are younger so she can pour into them, friends that are the same age for mutual support and fun, and friends who are older so she can gather wisdom from them. I love this way of looking at intentional friendship, although I am also aware that the flow of mentorship never goes one way! Younger friends speak much wisdom into my life, and at times I have been able to support and encourage older friends. I always enjoy . But my life would not be complete without relationships across the generations. At the first conference, I met a fellow chaplain's spouse who is stationed where one of my children will be stationed soon. She gave me her contact information so I could pass it on to my son and his wife. She wants to have them over for chili. That did so much for my empty nest heart! At the second conference, I was able to have heart-to-heart conversations with women my own age where we shared our mutual experiences in the empty nest and encouraged each other to continue following close after Christ. That soothed my empty nest fears. And at both conferences, I was able to hear stories from women who had walked down roads that are still in the future for me, and those stories gave me confidence that the God who led them safely through would lead me, too. That gave me courage to face the future. I truly hope and pray for you, my friend, that you have women like that in your life as you navigate this midlife journey. Husband Jack likes to quote the old African proverb, "If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together." That has been so true in our lives. While there are seasons for going fast and going alone, the best seasons are when I'm traveling life's journey with my tribe. Be blessed! Cindy