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In midlife, it is just too easy to focus on the losses and forget about the gains. I feel it myself, the temptation to give in to nostalgia about the days when the kids were still with us and a sense of discontent toward how life is now. But I know I need to focus on the present with hope and anticipation for the future in order to thrive right now. And who doesn’t want to experience joy and peace in the present? One powerful method I’ve been using to help me thrive in the present is simply setting new goals for myself. Just the act of setting a goal signals something to my mind and heart that convinces me to stay in the game. Goals tell me that there is still a lot of life yet to live, so I need to get busy in the living. It’s hard to stay passive when we have taken on a challenge! A year ago, I took on (for me) a crazy challenge, one that left my husband scratching his head and asking himself if I had lost my mind! A friend invited me to train for a half marathon with her. I have never been a runner, never enjoyed it when I had tried it, and never considered running as anything other than a form of mild torture. But I loved spending time with my friend, and when another friend agreed to join the “fun,” I knew I didn’t want to be left out and I said yes. I had a goal: couch to 21k, and I had five months to complete it. Simple, right? Not so simple, as it turned out. But definitely transformational. I started slowly, alternating running and walking. We trained three times a week and slowly increased our distances, and I made it to 4 miles when an old injury flared up and kept me from running for a month. Once I recovered, I was way behind on my training and eventually I had to make a hard decision: I pulled out of the half marathon and my friends ran it without me last April. While I felt so disappointed, I still wanted to complete my goal. So I kept running, worked through injuries to build a stronger body, and eventually I ended up on the starting line of the Army 10-Miler in Washington, DC a few weeks ago. I share this not to make a runner out of you—we all should set unique goals that bring us joy and encourage us to thrive. But there are a couple principles for setting and accomplishing goals in midlife, and making the experience life-giving. First, set a goal that brings you joy. Choose a goal that builds hope into your future and provides enjoyment in your daily life. At times in life we have to set goals that are difficult, such as beating a disease or healing a relationship. But the goals I’m talking about today are for adding meaning and hope to our everyday lives as we find our joy in the empty nest. Secondly, start easy and start slowly. Plan small steps toward your new goal. If you want to learn a new skill, start by practicing it for a few minutes daily and make the practice easy. My friends helped me start running by alternating running and walking and going short distances—pretty easy! For instance, if you wanted to learn a cooking technique, you could break it down into micro-skills and just start working on one of those for a few minutes each day—super easy! Next, remove roadblocks. I bought running shoes and clothes so that I was comfortable during training runs, and my friends and I scheduled our runs for daylight hours so that we could enjoy sunshine as well as each other while we trained. We can make our goal easier to achieve if we make it simple and fun to work on the steps toward accomplishing it. Fourth, if necessary, delay a goal, but don’t quit! Don’t let delay become defeat—instead, work to get back on track and keep going. My running goal wasn’t ultimately about a specific race on a specific date. It was about feeling good, getting mentally and physically stronger, and conquering something that was challenging to me. Remember, we are setting these goals to help us enjoy life! There’s no deadline on that. Finally, when you reach your goal, celebrate! Don’t skip this step—you deserve it! If your goal was an artistic one, frame your art and hang it up or perform it for family and friends. If you were working on a cooking technique, invite friends over for a meal featuring your new signature dish. I ran the Army 10-Miler with my husband, one of our sons, and good friends, and our son's wonderful wife was waiting at the finish line for us with our brand new granddaughter—what a way to celebrate! But wait! There’s one more step . . . Set a new goal. There’s no downside to continued personal growth, especially as we enter midlife. We need new challenges to keep our perspectives fresh and our minds flexible. And new experiences are a great way to celebrate the precious gift of simply being alive. My new goal is to complete—note, I did not say compete!—a mini triathlon. I like biking and swimming even more than running, so I can’t wait! What’s your goal? Share it in the comments below and encourage your fellow readers to continue to thrive in the empty nest.

Guest post from Jennifer Donaldson at tailorjoy.com One long delightful weekend away. No schedule to keep. No hangry kids. Just me, my husband, and a convertible. The memory stuck in my head and heart for years and fueled my desire for more adventures together. We ate and slept when we felt like it. We splurged a little and rented a convertible to drive to a wedding at the beach. We were tired and rejuvenated all at the same time. This little getaway amid a busy season of parenting was enough to whet my appetite for what travel, closeness, and connection could be like after the kids moved out. My husband and I have enjoyed big and little trips in the last few years as our kids have transitioned out of the home. Some of our favorite adventures have been adding an extra week onto overseas service trips we were leading. We stayed longer and brought our work with us. We explored a new city in the morning, grabbed a late lunch and some groceries for dinner then returned to our lodging to work online in the afternoon and evening. At home, we have done a few local food tours and been introduced to restaurants we never thought to try. While some people like to get away from it all and others like a full schedule of entertainment, we often look for opportunities to be a blessing to others during our travels. For our 25th anniversary, we went to Albania and Kosovo to visit friends who live abroad. A trip for us. Encouragement for them. New memories were made. We are already dreaming about what kind of adventure we can plan next year as we celebrate our 30th anniversary. If you are feeling stuck in midlife or fearful of this new transition to an empty nest, plan an adventure. Put a date on the calendar. Dream together. Go away for the weekend or at the least, get out of the house together. Visit a biking trail or museum across town or plan a day to go hiking. Having a plan can bring renewed excitement to spend time together. Do not settle for the same old routines. Get a fresh perspective. Make some new memories. Rekindle the passion, connection, and freedom you had as newlyweds. Discover new hobbies together. Plan a trip with friends with similar interests. What’s stopping you from planning some adventures in the next few months? Money? Time? Priorities? Compare your calendars and block some time for fun. Make building new memories and spending time together a focus. It does not have to be fancy expensive vacations. A day trip to go hiking and out for ice cream. A free walking tour in a new town. A hobby class together. A personal day added to a work trip. Or maybe you do have the time and money for a big trip. There are so many ways to have adventures at home or abroad, and midlife is the perfect time for new experiences or revisiting old favorites. Having something to plan and look forward to makes us feel alive and excited. I am thankful for a few glimpses of empty nest travels that got me excited for what was to come. We have had some crazy adventures together and plenty of fun, rewarding ones. You can read more about them on my blog here and here. Even in the crazy adventures we made the most of the moments because we were together! I am thankful I have a spouse who values spending time together and serving God together no matter where the adventure may take us. What midlife travel adventures await you? Schedule some time to dream and plan an adventure together! Need some before/during/after travel tips? Read here! If you enjoyed this topic, let us know in the comments section below and please share your travel ideas with us, too! Jennifer Donaldson writes at Tailorjoy.com where you can find her latest thoughts on family, education, home management, travel, and how to infuse them all with joy. She offers private online tutoring and coaching as well as downloadable courses on teaching techiniques, taming clutter, and more. Check out her printable resources here and her blog here.

I’ve been writing a lot about the significant tasks and challenges that face us when the kids fly the nest, but for the next few weeks, let’s talk about the good things that happen to us in that space. “Here comes 40. I’m feeling my age and I’ve ordered the Ferrari. I’m going to get the whole midlife crisis package.” -Keanu Reeves I love this quote from Keanu Reeves. It represents the mindset I want to take into the future: I want to accept the challenges and developmental tasks and meet them with confidence and intentionality, but I also want to carve out some fun and excitement for myself and my marriage. If there’s going to be a crisis, I want to make it work for me! If that sounds good to you, too, ask yourself, “What’s my Ferrari?” How can we make the empty nest into a life stage of adventure and new possibilities? The empty nest brings some wonderful opportunities into our lives if we look beyond the difficult changes and focus on the potential for joy. Have you been wanting to establish a regular date night with your husband? This is the perfect time! Want more “me” time? It’s available in midlife! Have you been putting off important personal maintenance tasks like exercise, doctor visits, and preparing healthy meals? The empty nest makes those tasks easier to manage. Maybe you have always wanted to try a new hobby or sport? Go for it! Maybe you have been longing for more time to study God’s word and pray? You will never find a better time than now. At midlife, most people find themselves with a bit more time for leisure and sometimes a bit more money to put towards new experiences. Most of us are reasonably healthy and capable of being active. We also have the mental capacity to engage in personal growth and learning because we aren’t dealing with the details of our kids’ lives as much as we did when they were in the home. In other words, we have a lot to live for and a lot to look forward to. As new empty nesters, husband Jack and I chose this motto for our midlife mindset: “comfort, convenience, and colonoscopies.” Before you decide that's too weird to keep reading, let me explain. Comfort represents treating ourselves to upscale experiences as often as we can—like choosing a sit-down restaurant instead of McDonalds. With four kids in tow for most of our married life, we rarely ate out and we chose camping over resort vacations. Now that we are only paying for two, we can scale up the luxury a little bit and still stay within our budget. We have enjoyed some amazing travel experiences over the last 4 ½ years of empty nesting, and we have created some beautiful memories with each other! (More on empty nest travel next week!) Convenience represents doing the repetitive tasks of home maintenance the easy way so that we have more time to spend on things we enjoy. We invested in a robot vacuum, we pay for oil changes instead of doing them in the driveway, and I plan meals that require 30 minutes or less prep time. This adds up to less stress and more time to have some fun together—we can take a walk after dinner or work on a new hobby if preparation, eating, and cleanup only take an hour. It doesn’t come naturally to me, but I’m slowly learning not to do things the hard way. And finally—the word you are wondering about—Colonoscopies. This word represents our commitment to maintaining our healthspan through regular checkups and screenings for the types of issues that pop up around the midlife point. We hold each other accountable for scheduling our medical care, exercising, and eating our veggies. We want to enjoy each other and our family and friends for a good long time! So, we set aside the necessary time to maintain our physical bodies. Along the way we have carved out time to do some novel physical activities like water-skiing, hiking, and a paragliding class where we actually flew solo for a few seconds. We couldn’t have survived that without fairly healthy bodies—we both crash landed! So what’s your Ferrari? What’s something you have wanted to experience? What skill or talent have you been wanting to develop? What relationships have you been wanting to strengthen? Where have you been wanting to grow spiritually? This is your time! Choose a mindset of gratitude for the possibilities the empty nest has opened up to you, make a list, and start driving around in your new lifestyle. You will find that God has a lot of joy planned for you in this season. If this post has been an encouragement to you, feel free to click on the image to the right and download it. You can make it your phone wallpaper and be reminded of the joy God offers in the empty nest every time you pick up your phone!

Are you stuck in the empty nest transition? Do you long for the days when the kids were home and dread a lonely future? Good news: you don’t have to stay stuck! This week we are continuing the exploration of why the transition is difficult, and today we are going to talk about regret and fear. But first, I bet you can relate to this full-nest memory . . . My kids are grown and flown, but I still remember when my littles would interrupt an adult conversation I was having with a friend. So distracting, especially if I was talking on the phone! I distinctly remember the feeling of being in the middle of a tug-of-war game where both sides were pulling my attention in opposite directions. I would immediately get frustrated because I could not focus on either conversation, and often I became impatient with one or both parties! I felt stuck in the middle. At midlife, many of us find ourselves stuck in the middle again: We are fixed between the future and the past and both are speaking fear into our minds. The past reminds us of failures, the future reminds us that we have little time left to fix them. The past points out wasted time and poor decisions, and the future tells us it could have been different if only . . . How do we work past these voices and move into the future God has for us? Researchers have identified midlife as a psychological collision point between the past and the future. Pastor and author Paul Tripp in his excellent book on midlife, Lost in the Middle, suggests that midlife exposes what we have been living for in the past. We might experience a nagging fear that our priorities have been disordered, that we didn’t spend enough time on the important things, or that we focused far too much on the frivolous. I think this explains why older people stop harried young mothers in grocery stores and muse nostalgically on the joys of corralling cranky toddlers. Seeing the flustered mom sparks regrets for the time the older person wasted being frustrated in the relentless tasks of parenting; but there is no going back. So when the past and the future speak together to me, sometimes this is what I hear: "The state of my family/ community/health/marriage/relationship with God is a direct outcome of past failures, and the future will be little better because I cannot rectify the mistakes of the past in the time I have left." But let me be clear here: This is a lie of the enemy. God is more powerful than our stories, our failures, and our human frailty. At this pivotal point of midlife where past and future collide, God offers to rewrite our stories and redeem our deficiencies, if we let Him! That if is a big one. It is so tempting to hold on to the past, if for no other reason than for all the good memories! But God is calling us at midlife to surrender the past and the future to His all-loving hands and His all-knowing wisdom, to let go of regret and grief and to follow Him into the next stage, trusting that He is using all that we have experienced to bring Him glory in all we will become in the future. In this transition period, I'm finding I need to surrender past and future every day just to keep my heart pointed in the right direction. The words of Paul in Romans 12 are especially encouraging to me: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:1-2, NIV) So as the nest empties, take time to celebrate, take time to grieve, and, if you need to ask forgiveness of God and others, do so. But then, surrender the past and the future to a God who loves you and who makes all things new, and move into the future transformed and confident in the will and love of God.

Welcome to midlife, a key, developmental stage where we set the trajectory for the rest of our lives! You probably didn’t expect to be going through a developmental stage at this point in life, did you? Nobody warned me, either! In today’s post we will continue our discussion about why the empty nest and midlife transition seems so challenging and how we can view it instead as a period of positive personal growth. Are you ready to look at midlife from a hopeful, empowering angle? Onward we grow . . . What makes midlife—including the emptying nest—a developmental stage, you ask? It turns out that we can look at life as a continuous upward trajectory of development, an idea first suggested by Danish psychoanalyst and researcher Erik Erikson in the mid-1900s. We can—and should—disregard the “over-the-hill” viewpoint of midlife onward and see ourselves instead as people in a continued state of growth toward who God made us to be. While development happens throughout the life course, midlife is a key and unique stage of heightened growth that requires us to navigate some unique challenges we typically don’t experience at other life stages. Here’s a few examples: our kids are growing up and out of the nest, our parents are growing older and more frail, we start to think about and plan for our own retirement, and we ourselves may be experiencing menopause or the onset of chronic diseases such as arthritis, diabetes, cancer, or cardiovascular conditions. These challenges often seem to strike all at once at midlife, requiring us to muster all our personal reserves to meet them. And when we do, we grow in wisdom and in confidence. We are also challenged to grow at midlife when we realize that we have less life ahead of us than we have behind us. Our time horizon is shortening, or as one friend puts it, “There’s more road in the rearview mirror than there is in the windshield.” One result of this is that we become aware of the diminishing number of decision points ahead and the increasing number of decision points in the past which we might change if we could go back. All of our decisions have made us who we are at this midlife point, so if we want to make some changes and continue to grow as people, we feel pressure to make the right choices going forward. Thus, midlife is a time to evaluate ourselves, our goals, and our practices in order to make the most out the rest of life. The good news is that evaluation pays off with rising levels of happiness and satisfaction as we age—the best is yet to come if we do the developmental work of midlife. The ideal result of midlife development is that we enter old age (roughly late 60s and on, according to Erikson) with wisdom, integrity, resilience, peace, and gratitude for our own life story. This is exactly what I wanted in my old age, so I started researching how to successfully navigate midlife development. Here is what I found: As a person of faith, I need to start with God. Specifically, I need to ask myself some serious questions about what I believe about God and if I am committed to living out those beliefs, even in the uncertainty of midlife. We must live our theology. That is the starting point for growth in the life of the Christian: our beliefs must match our lives. Think about that this week, my friend, and pray about it, too. Ask God to give you the personal wholeness that comes when our principles match our practice. Below is a downloadable journaling page with some questions to help you think about your current faith walk. Hope you find it helpful on this journey. Let’s keep growing!

“What am I going to do with myself after the kids leave the house?” This one question seems to haunt many women as their children prepare to start lives of their own. Last week, I wrote about empty nest syndrome and how the experience of negative feelings associated with the emptying nest can be caused by life factors other than the kids growing up. Let's talk about one of those factors today: At midlife, we are entering a key developmental period of personal growth. One reason we struggle in midlife is because while it is a key developmental transition in our lives, it isn’t talked about very often in those terms. Menopause is sometimes discussed as a physical transition that begins to occur around middle age, but have you ever heard midlife described as a psychological, social, and spiritual developmental stage of being human? Probably not, but that is exactly what it is. When I started to research midlife and the transition into empty nesting, I was reminded of my college psychology class and the emphasis my instructor placed on the stages of human development. Infant . . . Toddler . . . School age . . . Adolescent . . . Adulthood . . . Marriage . . . Parenthood . . . Death, right? After parenthood, people apparently just coast in for that ultimate landing. Or at least that’s the way I remembered it. But what if parenthood isn't the pinnacle of our personhood and there are better things to come? The idea that parenthood is the high point of our life experience—especially for moms—and that the post-parenting years are dull and uninteresting is a message subtly delivered by our culture. Consider your local church for a minute. It probably offers classes or small groups for infants, toddlers, school age kids, teens, maybe college kids, definitely for marriage and parenting support, and then possibly for senior citizens. Well, how about those midlife years? The subtle message is that we in midlife are expected to go back and volunteer to help the infants, toddlers, school age kids, new parents, etc., to make it through their developmental stages. And this is a great and worthwhile thing to do. But there is also development to be done and life to live between the end of active parenting and the inactivity of very old age, although the discipleship offerings of most churches would indicate that it’s all downhill after the kids leave the home. Another cultural source of messaging that convinces us that our downward trajectory starts when the kids leave the house is the advertising industry. Just today, an ad popped up while I was viewing a YouTube video. It suggested I purchase a product designed to forestall the day when my husband would tell me when asked if I were pretty, “It’s what’s inside that counts.” Ouch! Today’s media places an unreasonable emphasis on the importance of looking and feeling like a 25-year-old woman well into our 50s. And if we can’t reach that unreasonable goal, we might feel invisible to society, or worse, be labeled as potentially problematic and demanding just because of our apparent external age. No wonder we feel like life is a downward slide when the kids leave the home! There seems to be little room or importance for us in our own culture. This is where I have to applaud organizations like the Red Hat Society. Their response to this problem is to celebrate middle age. Here’s their philosophy: “We stress the importance of friendship and sisterhood, and the value of recess (play) . . . Always trailblazers, we help reshape the way modern women are viewed and valued in today’s culture” (here's a link to their website). The Red Hat Society ladies have a blast leaning into middle and old age stereotypes and forcing the rest of the culture to notice them while they celebrate aging and all the benefits that come with it. Anyone want to join the society with me? Still, there is more to entering midlife, the empty nest, and even old age than fun and freedom to be yourself. There is real, personal and spiritual growth to be accomplished. Over the next few posts, I’m going to share what I’m learning about the key psychological, social, physical, and theological developmental tasks of midlife. My hope is that, instead of seeing the empty nest as a syndrome or trial to endure, you will see it as the gateway to new growth, new opportunities, and a richer and fuller relationship to the God who loves you.

The internet is loaded with information about almost everything, and the empty nest is no exception. This is not the same thing as saying the internet is loaded with truth about the empty nest! One of the most common myths floating around cyberspace is that there is a syndrome associated with the empty nest: empty nest syndrome. Most of us heard that term before our children left home, and my guess is that the addition of the word “syndrome” to “empty nest” created some subtle changes in our expectations for that key transitional period of life. So, if you would like to take a look at an alternative explanation for what is popularly called “empty nest syndrome,” or ENS for short, keep reading! The term “empty nest” was coined in 1914 when writer and education reformer Dorothy Canfield Fisher wrote her book on motherhood entitled Mothers and Children. She used the term to describe the contraction of the family at the time when children start their own households outside of the family home. In 1970, the diagnostic term “syndrome” was added and ENS became a clinical psychological diagnosis. However, as psychology advanced as a science, little evidence was found for designating ENS as its own psychiatric illness, and the syndrome is no longer found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Yet, there is no denying that many of us struggle as children leave the home and begin to build lives of their own. Thus, the obvious question is, “If the empty nest is not a syndrome, why do I feel so sad?” There are actually some really good reasons why people may struggle with despondency at the empty nest transition, and here is some even better news: these issues don’t require your children to move back home in order for you to resolve them! In other words, there is hope. You can move past the empty nest struggles and thrive. In this post I’ll list four main reasons people experience ENS, and then over the next few posts we will discuss some ways to address those issues and move toward flourishing in the second half of life. Ready? Keep an open mind to these ideas, and dive in with me. . . 1. Midlife and the empty nest is a key developmental stage of life. Like all developmental stages, this one requires us to change our thinking and our habits, and change is always stressful. Think back to when your children entered the terrible twos or to when you went through adolescence. Did you experience stress, angst, frustration, and fear? Sure! We’ve all been there, and this empty nest developmental stage of life will bring the same negative thoughts and emotions. But we made it through the other stages, and we can make it through this one too. Soon, you will be proud of the person you have become on the other side. 2. Dormant marital conflict often rises to the surface when the children leave. Why? Because now we have more time to spend with our husbands again, and those nagging issues that we put off because the kids kept us so busy are now demanding to be addressed. Sounds terrible, but actually the empty nest is a gift for our marriages. We will need a strong marital relationship as we face old age and now we finally have the time to build one with our husbands. 3. Preexisting personal issues can also bubble up for the same reason that marital issues do—in the empty nest we have time and space to deal with them. If we are willing to do the hard work on those perennial problems, we will find that the extra time the empty nest provides is a true gift to our future selves. 4. And finally, the relationship between us and our children changes significantly as they start to forge their own identities and build their lives independently of us. It’s hard to let go of that sweet little boy or charming little girl and watch as they forge their way into adulthood: we can no longer give them specific direction and provide the answers like we did when they were little. But we can build new relationships based on mutual respect and shared experiences. Did you recognize the common theme that all these ENS triggers share? You are not helpless! Each one can be addressed with intentionality and commitment to continued personal growth. There's no requirement for time to move backwards and the kids to return to the home. We can work through these issues and develop an empty nest life we love to live. Here’s the framework I’m using to address all of these issues in my own life: First, I acknowledge my problem areas and commit to working on them. Then, I spend time in God’s word so that He can address the changes I need to make in my own heart. I confess, ask for wisdom, and pray for healing as needed. Finally, I talk about my struggles with husband Jack, my trusted friends, and occasionally even my children. Usually I find I am not alone in my experiences! With God’s grace and the love of friends and family, I am building an empty nest life where I can thrive. I’m looking forward to discussing these concepts with you over the next few weeks! I hope you tune in next week, and—better yet—drop me a line or comment below so we can encourage each other! Thanks, friend, for being part of the conversation.

Last night I cleaned out the refrigerator—again—and sorted out the excess food that my husband and I weren’t going to finish before we left for a quick vacation this week. After 4 ½ years of empty nesting, I’m still prone to over-buying groceries and other household staples. Mom habits are slow to change! Maybe you are like me. If you had looked inside my fridge 10 years ago when we had four teenage kids at home, you would have seen it filled to overflowing with milk, eggs, meat, cheese, bread and anything else that filled up those hungry bodies! Now, I’m usually able to keep the shelves half empty and reduce food waste, but I was guilty of way too much food waste while we figured out the empty nesting lifestyle. Those ingrained mom habits kept my fridge full of stuff we didn’t need and probably shouldn’t have eaten! Of course, mom habits don’t just apply to grocery shopping. They impact how we approach self care, our calendars, finances and household chores. For example, when the kids were at home, I typically designated a cleaning and laundry date when I could be home the entire day and get it all done. We were so busy with kids’ activities that cleaning day only happened a few times a month, so I did a thorough job or got frustrated trying! Now, I’m comfortable doing a few small tasks each day, often with husband Jack’s help. The house is never 100% clean at any given time, but it stays much cleaner with fewer people living in it and an hour of light effort makes it company-ready on any given day. This is a new habit that works better with our empty nest lifestyle. But I’ve found that housekeeping and grocery shopping aren’t the only areas where my mom habits need remodeling. The hardest habits to change stem from old mindsets developed during 26 years of living with children in the home. Mindsets like worrying, nagging, and feeling the need for control are much harder to address than buying too much cereal and milk! One of the mom habits I’ve been working on lately is a tendency to use my parenting skills on my husband. It’s hard to lay aside your identity and practices as a mom when the kids grow up, and sometimes I still respond with ingrained mom instincts when my husband does or says something I don’t like. Needless to say, mom instincts don’t enhance our relationship! We are both working to re-establish communication habits that reflect our first five years of marriage before we had kids, and this is making midlife marriage a lot more fun for both of us. The empty nest transition ushers some pretty profound changes into our lives, and in order to thrive, we have to make some adjustments to the ways we do life. You might be tempted to hold on to the old ways of doing and thinking, but let me encourage you to stay flexible and develop new habits of mind and practice that promote joy and peace in your nest. Prayer and honest conversation with your spouse are a great place to start exploring new ways of doing life in the empty nest. One of the big blessings of the empty nest is having more time to pursue new adventures and opportunities for growth. Be open to new ways of doing things, and don't be afraid to let go of practices that are no longer necessary. And be encouraged, friend! God has ordained this passage of your life, and He will guide you with His wisdom as you revamp those mom habits.

When children start leaving the house, that change can become a challenge, even for someone who handles change well. It was fairly smooth sailing when my first child left home. I waved from our driveway as he drove away and went inside to wipe away some tears, but life quickly settled back into regular routines. It helped that the first child was consistent about calling home! But the second child . . . well, we left him! He stood in the same driveway where I stood when the first child left and waved cheerfully at me as I drove the last loaded vehicle toward our family’s new home 300 miles away. That just felt wrong, as though I was abandoning him! Every child’s flight from the nest is a little different, and some are harder on us moms than others. Based on my experiences of waving goodbye to four kids (one more than once), let me offer four suggestions that can help make the transition feel more natural for both you and your kids. Have a family meeting. In the last few weeks leading up to your child’s departure, get the whole family together to discuss what life will look like going forward. Let each family member express their appreciation for the child who is leaving, talk over new chore assignments, plan holiday visits, and discuss how you will communicate when you are separated. Talk over your expectations for how the family will function in its new form, and let all the family members work together to solve any logistical problems. The child who is leaving will be blessed with a sense of their importance to the family and everyone will understand that apart doesn’t mean not a part! Ask for prayer requests. Spend a few minutes asking your child how you can pray for her. You might not get a deep answer, but honor her thoughts and feelings anyway. Write each request down and make a commitment to pray daily. You can follow up in a few weeks and ask for more prayer ideas once she gets settled in the new place. Go on a date with your husband. Less children in the home means more time for the two of you! Celebrate that benefit with a special night out before your child leaves, and spend some time discussing how you can enrich your relationship as a couple—not just as mom and dad. Make a list of activities you would like to do together, get out your family calendar, and add those activities to the calendar while you are still on that date! You can look forward to those activities when you are missing your young adult. Make it a party! In the last few days before your child leaves home, have a special family dinner or take him to his favorite restaurant. Top the night off with a symbolic gift—maybe a Bible or a journal or a book of wisdom and advice—and celebrate that your child is ready to take this important step toward maturity. Keep it positive and make it an evening he will remember when reality sets in in a few weeks and life feels a little more challenging. Your child will know you are proud of him and that will encourage him to keep going! The emptying nest can cause tears, spark fears, and even create uncomfortable conversations about money and expectations, but don’t forget to carve out time for positive connections and celebrations. Celebration feels counterintuitive because there is grief involved in having a child leave home and make her way in the wide world. But if your child is ready to take those first steps toward independence, you should feel proud of her and of your efforts, too! This is an appropriate and important milestone in the life of a child when they reach young adulthood. Husband Jack and I always reminded ourselves that we were raising adults, not perpetual children. It helped us miss them less! So if your child is leaving home this fall, congratulations, Mom and Dad! You deserve some accolades and so do they. Make some time to celebrate and you will discover that the transition can be a strengthening experience for the whole family.

Let go of good things and open your heart to God's best I struggle to let good things go. Whether an enjoyable activity, a pleasant place, or a cherished expectation, it’s hard to imagine the future without that particular thing making life good. We just moved to Virginia after four years of living in Germany courtesy of the U.S. Army. Like most military families living in Europe, we had left plenty of belongings in storage stateside, most of which we didn’t need and hardly remembered after four years. But there was one special item we anticipated seeing when we returned home: our beloved old ski boat. Our family spent countless hours in that boat each summer, skiing and wakeboarding and tipping each other off towable tubes. The kids invited their friends and we taught them to ski, too. Many summer Saturdays would find us at the lake, cooling off while we made memories. We’d finish the adventure at a drive-through for hamburgers or chicken sandwiches and we all went home relaxed and happy. When the weather was sweltering in Germany (we had no air conditioning there), I would cool myself by imagining a waterskiing trip in our boat. When we vacationed near a beautiful lake in Europe, Jack and I would talk about how fun it would have been to have the boat with us. When the kids talked about a family reunion after our overseas assignment, boating and skiing were always a key part. Two weeks after our arrival back in the U.S., we took our boat to the marine mechanic for a tune-up. But the mechanic had bad news: the engine would never run again. I’m embarrassed to tell you that I shed a significant amount of tears over this news. What was I mourning exactly? It was humiliating to feel the tears well in my eyes each time my husband and I talked about the condition of the boat. It’s a thing; it could be replaced. I believe I was (and still am) mourning the passing of time—the before and after that we can see so clearly from a midlife vantage point. “Midlife is a war between our dreams and reality…” says Paul David Tripp in his excellent book Midlife and the Grace of God. My dream: upon returning to the U.S., I will spend many happy hours boating with my children—and now grandchildren—just like we have always done. My reality: the boat is old and probably not worth repairing, we live 570 miles away from our nearest child and we don’t enjoy boating as much without the children, the Potomac river is conveniently close but not always clean enough for swimming and skiing, and we have limited leisure time and money to care for another boat that might not get much use. My personal viewpoint of God and His goodness determines how I will settle this war between dream and reality. Do I trust God in this disappointment or decide to inhabit my disappointment? Do I hold on to the past or do I walk in hope into an unknown future? Do Iask God for wisdom and new opportunities to connect with the kids and grands, or do I insist that the old ways are the only ways to be together as a family? I am opting to relinquish my dreams, albeit with tears, to a good God who knows what I need better than I do. I know this is the right step, although it brings me sorrow in the present. I am reminding myself that knowing Christ and trusting Him for my future is of greater value than hanging on to a past that can never be relived. Does God want our family to be close to each other? Absolutely! Can our family connect without a boat? Of course! Will He guide us into new ways of being together? Yes. Convinced of His goodness, I am letting go of a good thing, and waiting in faith for the next perfect gift God has for my family and me.

Do you enjoy the changing seasons? I sure do. Yesterday was unseasonably warm for the 30th of October, and many of my friends were wearing shorts and sandals in an effort to enjoy one last day of fabric freedom before the weather demands that every limb and appendage be covered by heavy clothing! The seasons bring more than wardrobe changes, as fun as it is to break out the boots, flannel shirts, and soft, warm sweaters. I spent last week in New England and experienced some of the famous colors of fall as the forests displayed their finery of red, gold, and green. The fresh, crisp air smelled of spice and pine while the blue sky and sunshine provided a dramatic backdrop as autumn unfolded all around me. The leaves told their own story as I walked along trails in the woods: In spring we arrive, small, soft, and green, bringing hope and promise. In summer, we softly wave and shade the land from sun and heat. In fall, we delight to show our color and the splendor of our season. In winter, we soften the hard earth so new life can spring up once again. We see the cycle of seasons each year and understand the beauty and purpose of each one. Spring carries the promise of flowers, bright green leaves, and longer days; summer brings lazy afternoons perfect for lounging in the shade of a broad tree; but fall reveals the fully ripened colors and scents that fill our hearts with gratitude. And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. ~ Colossians 1:9-12 ESV The Apostle Paul's prayer in the first chapter of Colossians describes the beauty of a Christ-follower who has fully ripened into spiritual maturity. Mature discipleship is characterized by a fullness of knowledge of what pleases God, displayed in a life lived wisely, worthily, and well. The season of midlife is a stage where we see our age show physically and we should not be ashamed of that, especially if spiritual ripeness and wholeness stands behind the story of the years displayed on our faces. That wholeness results in "being strengthened with all power . . . for all endurance and patience with joy," a strength which we surely need to face the challenges of midlife and beyond. In this season of midlife, we may choose to slow the physical aging process through exercise and appropriate self-care. But mature--even well-aged--discipleship is something to be desired and cultivated. Only then can we call ourselves spiritually ripened and fruitful, displaying the beauty of our walk with Christ. No one sees the glory of autumn and mocks the aging leaves. Let's examine ourselves in this midlife season and allow God to complete His work of filling us up with His knowledge, wisdom, and power so that we may display the wonder of spiritual wholeness and completeness for God's glory

Yesterday I almost bought a major furniture makeover project. My husband Jack and I have been looking for a piece to fill a blank wall in our dining area for a few weeks now. After checking furniture prices at several stores, I decided to look on Facebook marketplace. Within minutes I found what looked like the perfect piece for us. We drove an hour with high hopes, furniture blankets, tie down straps and cash, only to find that the pictures did not do the piece justice. The photos presented by the seller didn’t show the brush marks, chips, and the original stain bleeding through the white paint of the “professionally refinished” surfaces. But as a piece of furniture, the shape and function was exactly what we wanted, so I began to think of the steps I could take to make it look beautiful on the surface. Remove the hardware, sand it down, prime it, paint again, finish with a clear coat, reassemble . . . All these steps were doable and I had the workspace in the basement. But another, inner voice said, “Is that what you are called to do with your time?” When I looked at Jack’s face, I could tell he would have liked to voice that question himself. “This is a big project, and while I think I could make it look very nice, it’s not what I’m called to be doing right now,” was my answer to both the internal question and the look in my husband’s eyes. And we drove the hour home again. In midlife, we become more and more aware of the passing of time and of our own shrinking time horizon. There can be several responses to this realization: we can shut down and stop living out of fear, we can try to pack all the experiences we haven’t had yet into the time we have left, or we can bring our purpose into sharper focus and curate our most favorite activities so that they fit into our daily lives in a way that leads to thriving. If we choose the third option, we will have to learn to say “No” to good and enjoyable things that don’t match with our midlife purpose. One key to identifying our purpose and knowing when to turn down even good and noble opportunities is abiding or staying in fellowship with Christ. In John 15, Jesus reminds His disciples of this: Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5, NIV We remain in Christ when we practice daily prayer and Bible reading, when we seek to love God first and foremost, when we cultivate supportive friendships with other believers who can encourage us, and when we pursue personal holiness (this is definitely an exercise in “No”). And when we remain close to Christ, He can reveal His will to us and we can become more and more fruitful. Are you struggling to find your purpose? Pray about it, midlife friend, and continue abiding in Christ. Say “No” to those opportunities or activities that are clearly not your purpose. Make space in your life. And wait for God to reveal His purpose to you. You are not too old to make a difference, and you don’t have to be too busy to make time for meaningful contributions to your community, your family, or your church. Exercise the power of “No” and in the empty spaceMask God to show you your midlife mission. He will!